I don't know if I am capable of conveying my current emotional state in writing without sounding trite and foolishly naive but here goes. My darling, daughter is back. She is better than back, she is a wonderful 17 year-old version of the sweet, charming, vivacious girl we had before the demon ED took over. And I am feeling lighter than air. The weight of the conscious and subconscious worry has been lifted. I feel like I've been released from a prison of dread. I wish every parent who is still in the throes of dealing with ED, could get a dose of this sensation for a day to help them replenish their energy.
It's been a long two years, of rebounds and relapses but now after six continous months of being at the right weight (in her case the 52nd percentile), adequate fat intake, cognitive remediation through playing SET on her ipod, a bout of binging and purging that left her feeling disenchanted with her disease as a friend, followed by a transformational trip to Poland to deliver wishes to terminally ill children, she is back.
I don't think for a minute we have gotten rid of Ed once for all, but I know that she is managing Ed, he's not managing her anymore. And I know that if Ed gets a hold again, we can get back to this place again. I know that every day she is happy, is a gift to be treasured. I know that two steps forward and one step back is still a step forward. I know that food is the medicine, eating is the therapy, and that evidence based knowledge can save children and their families.
I am blissfully grateful to every one of you helped along the way, with your gestures of love and support or your silent well wishes. I owe so much to the parents and the professionals who have been working as advocates for FBT and evidence based treatment. I hope to be able to find my own way to make a contribution to this community. If I can help you please let me know.
Namaste!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
When Stomach Flu is a Good Thing
Last weekend Emily came down with a severe bout of stomach flu. It made us a little nervous, but things have been going so well that I didn't feel the need to react to her lack of eating for the first 24 hours. Instead I decided to ride it out and see what happened once she got past the symptoms. By Sunday night she was ravenous and although she choose her items carefully she had no problem eating them with the gusto of person who is hungry and relieved to be able to eat. I kept a close watch on her for the next few days because I was aware that any restriction for any reason can trigger the ED thoughts, voice and feelings in her.
A few days later, as we were driving to the hospital for her weigh in, she shared with me that she was feeling ready to move forward with recovery. When I asked her what had prompted the shift she said it was because having the flu reminded her of two years ago when she was too sick with mono, to eat and how she felt so relieved to have an excuse not to eat. But this time when she was too sick to eat she was disappointed and worried about it. And that made her realize that she is further along in the recovery process than she thought.
While I was overjoyed to hear that she was feeling ready to choose recovery, I wasn't all that surprised because for the last month she has been successfully taking full responsibility for her breakfasts and lunches. I have to confess that we kind of blindly stumbled into her taking control of her nutrition as a result of unexpected house renovations that resulted in Emily having to move in with relatives. At first we talked a lot about meal planning and did the food shopping together but then it just evolved into her taking over most of the planning, shopping and preparation of her breakfasts and lunches with only minimal supervision by her aunt. I feel that in the past we have gave Emily control of her food too early in the process.
I hope that her success with managing her meals without supervision has bolstered her confidence and made recovery seem a little more do-able. But I have been fooled by the ED so many times in the past that I know there is a possibility that her words, behaviours and even her weight could be yet another elaborate rouse on the part of this demon disease. But until I see evidence of slips and relapse I am going to enjoy this bubble of contentment.
A few days later, as we were driving to the hospital for her weigh in, she shared with me that she was feeling ready to move forward with recovery. When I asked her what had prompted the shift she said it was because having the flu reminded her of two years ago when she was too sick with mono, to eat and how she felt so relieved to have an excuse not to eat. But this time when she was too sick to eat she was disappointed and worried about it. And that made her realize that she is further along in the recovery process than she thought.
While I was overjoyed to hear that she was feeling ready to choose recovery, I wasn't all that surprised because for the last month she has been successfully taking full responsibility for her breakfasts and lunches. I have to confess that we kind of blindly stumbled into her taking control of her nutrition as a result of unexpected house renovations that resulted in Emily having to move in with relatives. At first we talked a lot about meal planning and did the food shopping together but then it just evolved into her taking over most of the planning, shopping and preparation of her breakfasts and lunches with only minimal supervision by her aunt. I feel that in the past we have gave Emily control of her food too early in the process.
I hope that her success with managing her meals without supervision has bolstered her confidence and made recovery seem a little more do-able. But I have been fooled by the ED so many times in the past that I know there is a possibility that her words, behaviours and even her weight could be yet another elaborate rouse on the part of this demon disease. But until I see evidence of slips and relapse I am going to enjoy this bubble of contentment.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Celebrating 8 weeks of Rebound
We have made it to week eight of refeeding without any signs of relapse, slips yes, but relapse no. I attribute this milestone to using the magic plate to deliver the following prescription:
1. adequate levels of fat i.e. 60-70 grams per day
2. nutrition intake at least every four hours
3. a variety of foods
Emily's weight is maintaining at exactly the 52nd percentile of the growth chart for girls, which is roughly the percentile she was at from birth to age 12. Her mood and energy level are largely very good. She is eating her meals with only occasional objections. She is juggling school, friends, water polo and fund raising for a trip to Poland with a normal amount of frustration and success. All in all, I would describe this as the best she has been in at least two years.
We are indebted to Harriet Brown's book, 'Brave Girl Eating' and the good people at the Maudsley Parents website who offer the 'ask an expert' program, for providing us with information and insights that were critical to getting us to this week eight milestone.
While things are good right now there is still work to be done. Emily has rejected the efforts of the Team to provide her with CBT so they have released her from treatment. She will be go in for bi-weekly weigh ins and we will be notified if her weight drops by two pounds. She has acknowledged that she is not prepared to let go of the eating disorder and make recovery her goal. But she is prepared to stay on track with eating to ensure she can achieve her goal of going to Poland in March. And she is not making any movement toward taking responsibility for her nutrition. It is as though she will eat as long as I am in complete control. She will snack on her own but she won't tackle suggesting or preparing a meal.
I have been pondering her inability to let go of the disease and her alexithymia which is the inability to express emotions with words, a term a learned from watching Dr. Thomas Silber in this UTunes video called Grand Rounds . And wondering how they are connected to each other and to the E.D. and what brain functions are involved in maintaining them. Every time I read or watch something on cognitive remediation therapy (CRT), it just rings so true with what I see in Emily. But so far her Team have not been able to offer any help in that area. I recently watched Kara Fitzpatrick's presentation on insights into the neurobiological basis of eating disorders and was once again struck by how those concepts help to explain Emily's inability to change her mind about the E.D. At Stanford they are conducting a study to determine if CRT prior to CBT helps the patient to develop the cognitive capacity to shift their thinking so that the CBT can be more readily adopted. I believe that CRT could help Emily to develop better set-shifting and central coherence functioning and then she would be more receptive to the CBT and indeed be better at dealing with problem solving in many areas of her life. But I can't figure out how to access CRT for Emily.
1. adequate levels of fat i.e. 60-70 grams per day
2. nutrition intake at least every four hours
3. a variety of foods
Emily's weight is maintaining at exactly the 52nd percentile of the growth chart for girls, which is roughly the percentile she was at from birth to age 12. Her mood and energy level are largely very good. She is eating her meals with only occasional objections. She is juggling school, friends, water polo and fund raising for a trip to Poland with a normal amount of frustration and success. All in all, I would describe this as the best she has been in at least two years.
We are indebted to Harriet Brown's book, 'Brave Girl Eating' and the good people at the Maudsley Parents website who offer the 'ask an expert' program, for providing us with information and insights that were critical to getting us to this week eight milestone.
While things are good right now there is still work to be done. Emily has rejected the efforts of the Team to provide her with CBT so they have released her from treatment. She will be go in for bi-weekly weigh ins and we will be notified if her weight drops by two pounds. She has acknowledged that she is not prepared to let go of the eating disorder and make recovery her goal. But she is prepared to stay on track with eating to ensure she can achieve her goal of going to Poland in March. And she is not making any movement toward taking responsibility for her nutrition. It is as though she will eat as long as I am in complete control. She will snack on her own but she won't tackle suggesting or preparing a meal.
I have been pondering her inability to let go of the disease and her alexithymia which is the inability to express emotions with words, a term a learned from watching Dr. Thomas Silber in this UTunes video called Grand Rounds . And wondering how they are connected to each other and to the E.D. and what brain functions are involved in maintaining them. Every time I read or watch something on cognitive remediation therapy (CRT), it just rings so true with what I see in Emily. But so far her Team have not been able to offer any help in that area. I recently watched Kara Fitzpatrick's presentation on insights into the neurobiological basis of eating disorders and was once again struck by how those concepts help to explain Emily's inability to change her mind about the E.D. At Stanford they are conducting a study to determine if CRT prior to CBT helps the patient to develop the cognitive capacity to shift their thinking so that the CBT can be more readily adopted. I believe that CRT could help Emily to develop better set-shifting and central coherence functioning and then she would be more receptive to the CBT and indeed be better at dealing with problem solving in many areas of her life. But I can't figure out how to access CRT for Emily.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
When the Recovery Bubble Blew Up
I recently completed a Myers Briggs Personality Indicator tool, and for the fourth time, it confirmed that I have a preference for viewing the world through facts, data, logic, and objectivity as opposed to intuition and feelings. So perhaps that is why I keep failing to tune into my 'spidey sense' when it starts tingling.
The tingling is a tiny little voice that asks, is she upstairs purging? But it's answered by the 'show-me-the-facts' voice that says 'she can't be, I don't see any evidence of it'. Which is followed by the soothing seductive voice of Cleopatra, queen-of-denial, who chimes in with, 'it's your imagination, she's doing fine, she's just tired, or it's just teenage behavior'.
But eventually the spidey sense, triggers the researcher in me and I start looking for and finding the evidence I am dreading and then I realize that the recovery bubble is just an illusion that Ed is dangling right in front of my blind spot.
Thankfully, my intuition also drives me to research online for more resources and information. I order two new books, one for Emily, which she accepts but says 'thanks' in that fake, squeaky Ed voice, while her eyes briefly flicker with Ed's abject scorn and hatred for me. And a book for me, that I am not sure I can quite face up to reading because I feel like I am too raw emotionally to read about the suffering of another child and family. But I force myself to crack open, 'Brave Girl Eating' by Harriet Brown, because I want to get back to viewing my daughter as brave and courageous. I need to find a way to shift my mounting anger and frustration with her for appearing to not want to let go of Ed.
Over the next week, Brave Girl Eating, begins to transform my thinking, my knowledge, my attitudes, my beliefs, my patience, my resilience, my life. I'm not quite sure how or why it made such an impact, but I think it has something to do with triggering a watershed synthesis of all of the learning that I have acquired over the last 14 months of FBT. By that I mean, I have been steadily acquiring knowledge and skills and increasing my understanding of anorexia and FBT. And I have been applying my knowledge and analyzing my applications and their outcomes, but I haven't been able to step back and weave it all together into the right blueprint for my daughter and her specific pathology and our specific set of circumstances and family dynamic. Now, for the first time, I not only feel like I know more than Ed knows, I trust in what I know and I trust in how to apply it.
What I know now is that in spite of being weight restored, my daughter needs to eat every three hours and she needs eat foods containing fats, every three hours. If she doesn't she starts to slip in her thinking, her sleeping, her mood, and in her brain's ability to use the medication she is taking. The other thing I have learned is that every act of restriction, even the unconscious ones, trigger the eating disorder thoughts and feelings. These two facts translate into the realization that Emily is not ready for phase two of the Maudsley method - regaining control of her eating. And she wasn't ready last December, or in June or in September when we allowed her to take back control of some of her eating.
Sadly, I have come to realize that because we wanted to keep recovery moving forward, we undermined her recovery. Now she has lost hope that she will ever recover, she feels like she can only sustain her motivation to fight Ed for six weeks and then she falls into the abyss and it just isn't worth fighting for anymore. Who could blame her for feeling so hopeless. Six weeks ago she started the downward spiral, four weeks ago my spidey sense started tingling, two weeks ago she admitted that she didn't want recovery, she wanted Ed, but she agreed to let me feed her for one week, three meals, three snacks, 60 grams of fat. One week ago she still didn't want recovery, but wonder of wonders, she continued eating, her mood improved, her anxiety over eating seemed lessened, she was more engaged with her life. As far as I am concerned the nutrition and especially the fat is working. Yesterday she reluctantly agreed, at a Team meeting, to continue with treatment. Her words were not very encouraging and clearly part of her brain is still very stuck in the Ed world, but I am going to slather that part of her brain with peanut butter, cheese, ice cream and butter six times a day until her brain gets stuck on recovery.
Go read, 'Brave Girl Eating' if you are refeeding a child, or if you are supporting a friend or sibling who is refeeding a child. It will help in ways that will surprise you.
The tingling is a tiny little voice that asks, is she upstairs purging? But it's answered by the 'show-me-the-facts' voice that says 'she can't be, I don't see any evidence of it'. Which is followed by the soothing seductive voice of Cleopatra, queen-of-denial, who chimes in with, 'it's your imagination, she's doing fine, she's just tired, or it's just teenage behavior'.
But eventually the spidey sense, triggers the researcher in me and I start looking for and finding the evidence I am dreading and then I realize that the recovery bubble is just an illusion that Ed is dangling right in front of my blind spot.
Thankfully, my intuition also drives me to research online for more resources and information. I order two new books, one for Emily, which she accepts but says 'thanks' in that fake, squeaky Ed voice, while her eyes briefly flicker with Ed's abject scorn and hatred for me. And a book for me, that I am not sure I can quite face up to reading because I feel like I am too raw emotionally to read about the suffering of another child and family. But I force myself to crack open, 'Brave Girl Eating' by Harriet Brown, because I want to get back to viewing my daughter as brave and courageous. I need to find a way to shift my mounting anger and frustration with her for appearing to not want to let go of Ed.
Over the next week, Brave Girl Eating, begins to transform my thinking, my knowledge, my attitudes, my beliefs, my patience, my resilience, my life. I'm not quite sure how or why it made such an impact, but I think it has something to do with triggering a watershed synthesis of all of the learning that I have acquired over the last 14 months of FBT. By that I mean, I have been steadily acquiring knowledge and skills and increasing my understanding of anorexia and FBT. And I have been applying my knowledge and analyzing my applications and their outcomes, but I haven't been able to step back and weave it all together into the right blueprint for my daughter and her specific pathology and our specific set of circumstances and family dynamic. Now, for the first time, I not only feel like I know more than Ed knows, I trust in what I know and I trust in how to apply it.
What I know now is that in spite of being weight restored, my daughter needs to eat every three hours and she needs eat foods containing fats, every three hours. If she doesn't she starts to slip in her thinking, her sleeping, her mood, and in her brain's ability to use the medication she is taking. The other thing I have learned is that every act of restriction, even the unconscious ones, trigger the eating disorder thoughts and feelings. These two facts translate into the realization that Emily is not ready for phase two of the Maudsley method - regaining control of her eating. And she wasn't ready last December, or in June or in September when we allowed her to take back control of some of her eating.
Sadly, I have come to realize that because we wanted to keep recovery moving forward, we undermined her recovery. Now she has lost hope that she will ever recover, she feels like she can only sustain her motivation to fight Ed for six weeks and then she falls into the abyss and it just isn't worth fighting for anymore. Who could blame her for feeling so hopeless. Six weeks ago she started the downward spiral, four weeks ago my spidey sense started tingling, two weeks ago she admitted that she didn't want recovery, she wanted Ed, but she agreed to let me feed her for one week, three meals, three snacks, 60 grams of fat. One week ago she still didn't want recovery, but wonder of wonders, she continued eating, her mood improved, her anxiety over eating seemed lessened, she was more engaged with her life. As far as I am concerned the nutrition and especially the fat is working. Yesterday she reluctantly agreed, at a Team meeting, to continue with treatment. Her words were not very encouraging and clearly part of her brain is still very stuck in the Ed world, but I am going to slather that part of her brain with peanut butter, cheese, ice cream and butter six times a day until her brain gets stuck on recovery.
Go read, 'Brave Girl Eating' if you are refeeding a child, or if you are supporting a friend or sibling who is refeeding a child. It will help in ways that will surprise you.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
The Recovery Bubble
Tomorrow will mark six weeks since Emily chose to stop restricting with the help of the magic plate and an increase in medication. This section of the road to recovery has been a pretty straight line. Emily's weight is healthy, she eats meals with relative ease, she is preparing her own lunches and some breakfasts. She even served herself at supper recently. She is back at school and thriving, back at water polo and loving it, back into socializing with a variety of friends and is even exhibiting episodes of typical snarky teenage behavior.
But, and you knew there would be a 'but', sometimes it feels like her mood is a little too good, which is probably the medication. And her list of comfortable, easy foods is quite limited while her list of 'bad' foods is very long. I have also seen a pattern of her becoming intensely fixated on ideas like going to Poland to help sick kids, and doing water polo five times a week, and getting her nose and lip pierced, and can't shift her thinking away from her version of the issue even when there is substantial objective evidence that she should.
I have found myself describing our current state like being in a bubble where everything is good, stable, moving in the right direction and faintly glowing with the promise of significant recovery. But like all bubbles it can be burst anytime by the smallest unexpected pin prick, or be blown off course by a predictable but unavoidable wind storm. So my challenge is to enjoy the bubble while it lasts, be prepared for the inevitable wind storm that life will bring up, and most importantly to be awake enough to notice when some unexpected pin prick causes her to shift from living in the bubble to pretending to be living in the bubble.
To meet these challenges I need to get the team going on the CBT that got deferred due to Emily's restricting and team member unavailability. I need to revisit the information on 'set shifting' and make more inquiries into the availability of cognitive remediation. I need to spend a little bit time of everyday reflecting on whether or not there is evidence of a pin prick to try to see when she is starting to slip rather than waiting until she has completely slipped off of recovery mountain.
So this is why blogging is such a powerful tool. Before I sat down to write today, I didn't even know that I needed a game plan let alone what it would entail. And if any one out there has any suggestions for ways to help a mom notice slips, and more importantly how a mom can help with slips, I would love to hear from you.
Namaste
But, and you knew there would be a 'but', sometimes it feels like her mood is a little too good, which is probably the medication. And her list of comfortable, easy foods is quite limited while her list of 'bad' foods is very long. I have also seen a pattern of her becoming intensely fixated on ideas like going to Poland to help sick kids, and doing water polo five times a week, and getting her nose and lip pierced, and can't shift her thinking away from her version of the issue even when there is substantial objective evidence that she should.
I have found myself describing our current state like being in a bubble where everything is good, stable, moving in the right direction and faintly glowing with the promise of significant recovery. But like all bubbles it can be burst anytime by the smallest unexpected pin prick, or be blown off course by a predictable but unavoidable wind storm. So my challenge is to enjoy the bubble while it lasts, be prepared for the inevitable wind storm that life will bring up, and most importantly to be awake enough to notice when some unexpected pin prick causes her to shift from living in the bubble to pretending to be living in the bubble.
To meet these challenges I need to get the team going on the CBT that got deferred due to Emily's restricting and team member unavailability. I need to revisit the information on 'set shifting' and make more inquiries into the availability of cognitive remediation. I need to spend a little bit time of everyday reflecting on whether or not there is evidence of a pin prick to try to see when she is starting to slip rather than waiting until she has completely slipped off of recovery mountain.
So this is why blogging is such a powerful tool. Before I sat down to write today, I didn't even know that I needed a game plan let alone what it would entail. And if any one out there has any suggestions for ways to help a mom notice slips, and more importantly how a mom can help with slips, I would love to hear from you.
Namaste
Saturday, August 28, 2010
The Magic Plate is back on the table
After a tortuous weekend for Emily, on Monday she made the decision to stop restricting with our help. She said she really didn't have a choice because there is so much that she wants to do with her life and she can't do it if she isn't healthy. I was surprised by how quickly she was able to shift her thinking because on Sunday I was thinking she was going to end up back in the hospital because she couldn't eat anything and was an emotional and mental wreck.
On Sunday afternoon, after a dreadful morning, I was desperately trying to think of something to distract her from her pain and a friend offered to take us kayaking. She really wanted to go but I was concerned that she was too weak to manage it safely. We checked her heart rate, which seemed okay, but I said she had to eat something in order to go. She managed to get some fruit and yogurt down and I brought some snacks. She kayaked for about 20 minutes and came back to shore, she wouldn't admit it to me but I think she was exhausted. While I was out on the water she ate some more food, then asked to go swimming. Together we swam a couple of hundred meters, the water was 24c degrees, which is very warm for us, which made it tolerable for Emily. That night she ate several pieces of sushi. It took her a long time and she ate it while watching TV, but she ate the entire package, which was the most I had seen her eat all week.
Monday morning she surprised me by getting up early to say good bye to me because I was going back to work. She seemed 'lighter' mentally. Monday afternoon when we talked on the phone, I commented that she seemed a little less stressed and that's when she told me she had made her decision. when I got home, she presented me with a list of menu items that she finds easier to eat and a grocery list.
Tuesday we met with the team, she told them her decision and we discussed strategy for the next week which included upping her medication to help reduce her anxiety over eating, refeeding at 1200 calories a day and working up to 1800, no exercise or driving the car for a couple of weeks. Her vital signs are all good, her weight is still within a healthy range. We dusted off the magic plate and she re-started her slow climb up recovery mountain.
The refeeding has had it ups and downs this week but it has been more up than down. By Thursday she was ready to spend time with some friends, and she spent Friday studying for a math exam that is coming up on Tuesday. She says she is seeing a friend today, which I hope she does and tomorrow we have plans to attend a fundraiser for a wildlife animal sanctuary that she has a great interest in. I see my role, in addition to refeeding, requiring me to throw interesting and fun 'life' activities into her path to keep her connected to her motivation to be healthy. I even told her she can use the 'I need to be distracted' card to manipulate me into taking her just about anywhere she wants to go.
For the most part, I have been feeling very calm and strong and steady throughout this latest episode, which I know is because of my yoga practice, especially the meditation. I meditate on the qualities of a beautiful tree in my yard every morning. It helps me to stay rooted, grounded, consistent, protective, accepting, nourished and open and flexible to whatever the wind blows through my life. That's not to say that I haven't had moments of sheer terror that the E.D. would destroy Emily, and moments of regret for not seeing it sooner, and moments of self-pity for having to do all the work related to refeeding. But they are just moments that I allow to come and then let go. I know I can make the choice to let them go or hang on to them. A year ago, when all this started for me, I didn't know how to let them go and they consumed me. It turns out that the E.D. has been a powerful catalyst for some extraordinary changes in our lives. I am not grateful for the E.D. but I am grateful for the positive changes.
On Sunday afternoon, after a dreadful morning, I was desperately trying to think of something to distract her from her pain and a friend offered to take us kayaking. She really wanted to go but I was concerned that she was too weak to manage it safely. We checked her heart rate, which seemed okay, but I said she had to eat something in order to go. She managed to get some fruit and yogurt down and I brought some snacks. She kayaked for about 20 minutes and came back to shore, she wouldn't admit it to me but I think she was exhausted. While I was out on the water she ate some more food, then asked to go swimming. Together we swam a couple of hundred meters, the water was 24c degrees, which is very warm for us, which made it tolerable for Emily. That night she ate several pieces of sushi. It took her a long time and she ate it while watching TV, but she ate the entire package, which was the most I had seen her eat all week.
Monday morning she surprised me by getting up early to say good bye to me because I was going back to work. She seemed 'lighter' mentally. Monday afternoon when we talked on the phone, I commented that she seemed a little less stressed and that's when she told me she had made her decision. when I got home, she presented me with a list of menu items that she finds easier to eat and a grocery list.
Tuesday we met with the team, she told them her decision and we discussed strategy for the next week which included upping her medication to help reduce her anxiety over eating, refeeding at 1200 calories a day and working up to 1800, no exercise or driving the car for a couple of weeks. Her vital signs are all good, her weight is still within a healthy range. We dusted off the magic plate and she re-started her slow climb up recovery mountain.
The refeeding has had it ups and downs this week but it has been more up than down. By Thursday she was ready to spend time with some friends, and she spent Friday studying for a math exam that is coming up on Tuesday. She says she is seeing a friend today, which I hope she does and tomorrow we have plans to attend a fundraiser for a wildlife animal sanctuary that she has a great interest in. I see my role, in addition to refeeding, requiring me to throw interesting and fun 'life' activities into her path to keep her connected to her motivation to be healthy. I even told her she can use the 'I need to be distracted' card to manipulate me into taking her just about anywhere she wants to go.
For the most part, I have been feeling very calm and strong and steady throughout this latest episode, which I know is because of my yoga practice, especially the meditation. I meditate on the qualities of a beautiful tree in my yard every morning. It helps me to stay rooted, grounded, consistent, protective, accepting, nourished and open and flexible to whatever the wind blows through my life. That's not to say that I haven't had moments of sheer terror that the E.D. would destroy Emily, and moments of regret for not seeing it sooner, and moments of self-pity for having to do all the work related to refeeding. But they are just moments that I allow to come and then let go. I know I can make the choice to let them go or hang on to them. A year ago, when all this started for me, I didn't know how to let them go and they consumed me. It turns out that the E.D. has been a powerful catalyst for some extraordinary changes in our lives. I am not grateful for the E.D. but I am grateful for the positive changes.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
If I am back to blogging, the E.D. is back
Well truth to be told, it was never really gone. And truth to be told, I never really felt like it was in spite of my darling Emily's very exceptional acting abilities. Upon reflection, I think there was maybe a five week episode, following the hospital stay, where healthy Emily was stronger than the E.D. Then we went to the cottage for five weeks and the E.D. got stronger and stronger but the restricting got harder and harder so binging and purging silently took up residence with us for most of our time away.
Once again, I found myself observing behaviours that seemed unnervingly familiar. And once again, I was chalking them up to adolescence in the face of Emily's exasperated "Really, I'm fine Mom" responses to my queries. Apparently 'really I'm fine' is code for 'the E.D. is alive and well'. But a few days after our return home, Emily bought two items at the grocery store that screamed 'Hi it's the E.D., remember me?' - rice crackers and cup of soup. And like a combination lock tumbling through the right sequence of numbers, all my little nagging thoughts clicked into place. My mind reoriented itself to look through the E.D. filter and reality took hold. I was standing in the kitchen, kind of verbalizing my stream of consciousness in real time, and I saw the look of sad agreement on Derek's face and knew he and I were on the same page.
We had a team meeting set up in a few days but I wanted to let Emily know that we were gravely concerned so that she wouldn't be blindsided at the meeting. I took the opportunity to mention a couple of my concerns to her, which she refuted at first. But I like to think that I saw a little bit of relief in her. Relief that the cat was out of the bag, or perhaps that now she didn't have to go it alone.
She said that she didn't want to talk about this to anyone so I was the relieved one at our meeting, when Dr. C, was able to draw her out of her fierce reluctance to disclose her thoughts and feelings. But what poured out of her was so very hard to hear. The anorexia voice has taken over her thinking 24/7, she is engaged in full blown restricting, although thankfully the purging has stopped.
Dr. C, has given her four options and four days to consider them. She can continue restricting, try to stop restricting on her own, try to stop with the help of the team and us, or go back in the hospital. She has been given an exercise to use to help her make her decision. She is wandering around the house in the E.D. fugue, unable to distract her mind from the 'voice' to get any relief, unable to eat, unable to stop thinking about eating, unable to choose health and life over the power of the E.D.
She told me last night that she still can't believe that this is happening to her. She is embarassed and ashamed and doesn't want to let everyone down and she hopes that people won't find out. We are in holding pattern until Tuesday when she has to make her decision then the team will instruct us on how to move forward. I think that if she chooses to let us help her that we can implement the 'magic plate' strategy and bump up her team interaction to help get her back to being strong enough to give the E.D. the heave ho, if not for good, than at least for a while. I wish I could stop her suffering and mental anguish, it is the curse of motherhood to not be able to kiss it and make it better.
Once again, I found myself observing behaviours that seemed unnervingly familiar. And once again, I was chalking them up to adolescence in the face of Emily's exasperated "Really, I'm fine Mom" responses to my queries. Apparently 'really I'm fine' is code for 'the E.D. is alive and well'. But a few days after our return home, Emily bought two items at the grocery store that screamed 'Hi it's the E.D., remember me?' - rice crackers and cup of soup. And like a combination lock tumbling through the right sequence of numbers, all my little nagging thoughts clicked into place. My mind reoriented itself to look through the E.D. filter and reality took hold. I was standing in the kitchen, kind of verbalizing my stream of consciousness in real time, and I saw the look of sad agreement on Derek's face and knew he and I were on the same page.
We had a team meeting set up in a few days but I wanted to let Emily know that we were gravely concerned so that she wouldn't be blindsided at the meeting. I took the opportunity to mention a couple of my concerns to her, which she refuted at first. But I like to think that I saw a little bit of relief in her. Relief that the cat was out of the bag, or perhaps that now she didn't have to go it alone.
She said that she didn't want to talk about this to anyone so I was the relieved one at our meeting, when Dr. C, was able to draw her out of her fierce reluctance to disclose her thoughts and feelings. But what poured out of her was so very hard to hear. The anorexia voice has taken over her thinking 24/7, she is engaged in full blown restricting, although thankfully the purging has stopped.
Dr. C, has given her four options and four days to consider them. She can continue restricting, try to stop restricting on her own, try to stop with the help of the team and us, or go back in the hospital. She has been given an exercise to use to help her make her decision. She is wandering around the house in the E.D. fugue, unable to distract her mind from the 'voice' to get any relief, unable to eat, unable to stop thinking about eating, unable to choose health and life over the power of the E.D.
She told me last night that she still can't believe that this is happening to her. She is embarassed and ashamed and doesn't want to let everyone down and she hopes that people won't find out. We are in holding pattern until Tuesday when she has to make her decision then the team will instruct us on how to move forward. I think that if she chooses to let us help her that we can implement the 'magic plate' strategy and bump up her team interaction to help get her back to being strong enough to give the E.D. the heave ho, if not for good, than at least for a while. I wish I could stop her suffering and mental anguish, it is the curse of motherhood to not be able to kiss it and make it better.
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