Wednesday, October 7, 2009

It's always darkest before the dawn

So far this week has been every bit as bizarre as the last four. The antidepressant hasn't kicked in and Emily's mood has continued to decline with a few dips into utter dispair and hopelessness. Then when she's had an anti-anxiety pills she is almost happy.

She has been unable to finish at least one meal a day, unlike last week when she finished everything. It appears that Ed is working very hard to keep control of things, maybe it is his last big fight, maybe she has to feel this miserable because she has been suppressing her pain for so long that it just needs to come out. Maybe this is a good thing, but it is a misery to witness and very scary to think that she may not get out from under the burden of this horrible illness.

Today we saw the Team and they are a bit mystified as to how best to motivate Emily because she has lost interest in everything. She hasn't picked up her knitting or crafts all week, she struggles to do even a bit of school work, and she hasn't seen any of her friends or family. She must be getting sick of looking at me and Derek! But they have decided, with our full endorsement, that Emily should go back to school tomorrow and Friday morning and see how it goes.

She is very anxious about school because she doesn't know what to tell people, she is afraid of the pressure of school work, she can't imagine what do to about snack and she can't bear the thought of wearing her school uniform skirt. Of course we can help her maneouver all of these things, but I think a big part of her reluctance has to do with not knowing who she is without Ed. She has been defining herself as the person who restricts and doesn't'eat and now she doesn't have that persona intact any more and she has said repeatedly that she doesn't know who she is without Ed.

I can't wait for her to get out of the house and have the chance to focus on something else and I am really looking forward to having 2 whole hours to myself from 8:15 to 10:15, which is when I have to circle back to the school to do snack with her.

Gotta go get supper on the table.

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